Sample of Spring 09 Classes

So after Monday’s classes, the first week of spring semester 09 classes has finally passed. Some interesting professors…let me try to get something of the feeling of their classes with a mostly accurate quote or two from each of them that I jotted down during our first classes:

Abnormal Psych: older, tenured professor with an interesting take on the field of abnormal psych.
Prof:  “The most difficult things in life are our relationships.” 
             “Have you heard ‘Love means different things to different people‘?  That is the single most destructive lie in the history of the human race.”

Contemporary Chinese Expos: new female teacher, seems fairly knowledgeable and friendly.
Prof [in Chinese]: “Who can give me a sentence using ‘但是’?”
~silence~
Me: ::raises hand:: “雖然課本很貴,但是我们還必須買。”

Public Policy Formation: old but lively professor with a keen mind.
Prof: “…I’ve been studying politics for ~40 years…I’m not very familiar with technology these days-” 
::text message sound::
Big guy in front: “Thas’ a cellphone.”
Prof: “Oh really? Thanks.”   “Now I just need to figure out how to respond to this…”

Strategies of International Politics: middle-aged guy with a very dry sense of humor.

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Sample of Spring 09 Classes

So after Monday’s classes, the first week of spring semester 09 classes has finally passed. Some interesting professors…let me try to get something of the feeling of their classes with a mostly accurate quote or two from each of them that I jotted down during our first classes:

Abnormal Psych: older, tenured professor with an interesting take on the field of abnormal psych.
Prof:  “The most difficult things in life are our relationships.”
           “Have you heard ‘Love means different things to different people‘? That is the single most destructive lie in the history of the human race.”

Contemporary Chinese Expos: new female teacher, seems fairly knowledgeable and friendly.
Prof [in Chinese]: “Who can give me a sentence using ‘但是’?”
~silence~
Me: ::raises hand:: “雖然課本很貴,但是我们還必須買。”
Prof: ::cracks up::

Public Policy Formation: old but lively professor with a keen mind.
Prof: “…I’ve been studying politics for ~40 years…I’m not very familiar with technology these days-”
::text message sound::
Big guy in front: “Thas’ a cellphone.”
Prof: “Oh really? Thanks.”   “Now I just need to figure out how to respond to this…”

Strategies of International Politics: middle-aged guy with a very dry sense of humor.

second day of classes

so today, wednesday, hasn’t been working out so well so far. it’s 1:48pm now, and basically i slept past the first bit of the class that i had on my schedule. but that’s ok in a way, because i dropped the class and added a different one in its place. but this new class, contemporary expos Chinese…I don’t know how that’s going to be. but i need one more chinese class for the major, so…gotta do it. 

have a bunch of things to do for today, so i’ve got to get to it…talk to mom about meal plan change, submit one of those change of minor forms, print out my schedule, set my work study schedule, possibly register for break dancing rec class, look into buying supplies.

dreams. seeking closure..?

so i don’t remember the last time i’d blogged, whether here or in the ol xanga. this time it’s not that it’s been a hugely long gap of time between entries, just more of the fact that these past days have been busy and i actually don’t remember the last time i wrote.

but i had this dream last night, or maybe i should say this night, or even “early morning” would be accurate, since i prob. went to sleep at around 3 in the morning today—which, considering my past track record for this winter break, is actually almost a reasonable time. so i decide to turn in “earlier”, and i think i fell asleep fairly quickly. 

but i guess peaceful–or at least dreamless–sleep wasn’t to be, at least not this night. i woke up a few times, once probably at around 8am-ish, another time at around 10-ish, and maybe one more time because i picked up a call. but after getting up, i remembered a series of vivid dreams, and i guess i say “vivid” because it’s only certain ones that i remember nowadays.

so this series of dreams…i guess the only one that i actually remember is this: for some reason, i don’t know how or why exactly, but i find myself at the house of Tiff T. now…this immediately is illogical because for one, i’ve never been to her house, have never seen it in real life (i don’t think i’ve seen pics of it either), and for another, the house was in like…i want to say a woodsy-type environment, but i definitely don’t know what was around. what was strange was that part of the house of was seemingly higher up, or at least that’s how it seemed to me b/c…well, I guess I’ll get to that.  so maybe it’d be more factually accurate to say that i’m at some house, but that i knew it was Tiff’s, in that funny way that you “know” things in dreams even though logically it doesn’t hold up. i’m at her house, and i think she was sitting on a chair or something outside it. 

actually, i’m kinda mad at myself because i delayed in writing this (tried to start shortly after waking up, had to stop b/c i needed to pack the laptop away, and now it’s 1:46am of the next day), and it’s possible that i might’ve forgotten bits of it…and it’s annoying because i think these are the kinds of dreams that i remember for good reason. 

well ok. i guess i don’t remember all that much of the dream, or maybe it’s possible that not too much happened in the dream–either way, i remember talking with her for a very short while…i don’t know what i might’ve said, i feel like it might’ve been something about it being kind of hard to try to catch up…and what i remember is something like, hearing a sound from her house, which was higher than us, and so i ducked back into the shadow of the balcony/walkway-ish area that protruded from the house. but that didn’t stop tiff’s mom from looking out and easily spotting me anyway. i don’t remember if i awkwardly waved or said hi, but i just remember tiff’s mom and her exchanging a few words, and then i don’t remember what happened. 

i’m definitely frustrated now because i don’t know if i forgot some detail of the dream that was important…though i think if i probably wouldn’t have forgotten if there was anything important. i just know, though, that when i finally made myself get out of bed, i was feeling very strongly about something.

i don’t know if that dream was really supposed to mean anything. if nothing else, i think it’s a reminder to me that i need to just…i dunno. is “move on” a phrase i can really use here? i thought that in large part, i had. i know that a big part of me had changed, and that there are some things that apparently are hard to just forget about, but i…well, i guess i don’t know a lot of things. what i do know is that i’m still sorry that we’ve drifted this much, and don’t know if there’s anything that i could have done about it. making matters worse is that i want to just like…well, catch up, like i’d tried to say in a heartfelt entry months ago, but it just never happened. i think i tried to IM but there just wasn’t any response. and now the truth of the matter is that, dumb as it might sound, i’m afraid to IM, because I’m afraid that it’ll be the same response–or rather, the same silence. and i’m also afraid of what i would do, because i’m definitely at the end of my ropes when it comes to being consistently ignored. i’m afraid because therein lies a trap where i can’t win. if i just ignore her ignoring me, then nothing gets done and i get more frustrated. and if i don’t ignore it and instead just go and ask her directly why i’m being ignored, then i might end up losing a friend. but the sad thing is, at this point, i’m just disappointed when i wonder how much of “friends” we are. 

this past holiday season, i definitely spent way too much money, some on things that i didn’t need. i would gladly give almost all of what i bought away, just for a chance to just catch up, or for a chance to…i dunno. to have some peace of mind, even a few moments of something like contentment. being able to spend a good amount of time with my friends over break definitely helped.

so this new semester…i can’t afford to mess up. i am determined to do well, more so than i ever have been. and i guess that’s good, because this semester i have much more motivation than last, most of which is probably prompted by the fact that i’m on being like…academically watched, because of my abysmal performance last semester. what’s worse than abysmal…terrible…whatever word might fit. last semester was basically a waste of a semester. a total f-up. doesn’t get much worse than that, i wasn’t too far away from a complete Z-E-R-O for the past semester’s GPA. does not get much worse than that.

so yeah. not only do i finally want to do better, i have to. and i will. there’s not really much of an alternative.

 

man. getting back to college life…i dunno. in a few days we’ll see how i’m adjusting or readjusting, but i just hope i can change a bit. there’s something so nice about doing a “new leaf” thing, about starting over. 

 

maybe one of these days, if i feel like it’s the right time, i’ll see if i can’t IM her. 

one of those friends that you would give so much to keep. even just to stay in contact. i know she’s busy nowadays, has been busy, but hmm. i think if i can’t get a good solid response…well, i’ll deal with that if need be.

eh. enough rambling. i’m going to get to doing stuff before i turn in for the night. first day of classes…

2:54am. signing off for now.

 

::edit 1/21/09.  2:48am::

I remembered something about the dream that I forgot to write, and I guess it’s fairly important. There was a part where we were talking, and I don’t remember what she said, but I just know that I was hearing her voice…that being significant because I don’t remember what her voice sounds like, which is something that makes me a bit, i dunno, a little sad. i don’t even remember if the voice that she was speaking in was her real voice or not, but…i dunno. even in the dream, hearing her speak…i guess that caused something to twinge within me.

that’s it for the edit, unless i happen to remember anything else…doubtful.

About half an hour ago…driving along local roads in NY state, heading back home after picking up something for mom, I’m glancing at some directions I’m holding when I look up and see the yellow traffic light yellow turning red. I slow down, but I’m going too quickly to stop. Normally this might be ok, but on my right I see a police car.

I figure I could be in trouble when I see it turn right to follow me. So now I’m driving along, sneaking a glance or two in the rearview mirror, just wondering if or when the police car’s flashing lights will turn on. I don’t know what ended up happening, if the roads that I was following weren’t the best to stop a car or something, or if the officer had a change of heart, or whatever…but after a minute or two (very long minutes), as I was driving on a lane across a reservoir, I saw in my rearview mirror that the police car did an abrubt K-turn in the middle of the road and drive off.

Much afterwards, I wondered if the police car never intended to stop me, but just give me a scare…I guess it worked.

Gotta get back into the college mindset…or in my case, actually get -into- that mindset. This semester, can’t afford any mistakes, haha. I figure I used up the last two years’ supply in this past semester, if not more.

dreams: still strange

Almost unprecedented stuff today.  Okay, saying “unprecedented” is definitely an exaggeration, but it’s definitely been a long time since I’ve been up so early (it’s now 9:20am and I’ve been up since ~8) without the aid of multiple loud alarms.

Of course, as tends to be the case, there are multiple reasons why I might wake up early naturally, and the reasons today are basically because I fell asleep unintentionally, and on the couch to boot, which I actually haven’t done in a good while.

For the first time in a fairly long time, I also remember a good chunk of the dreams I had…and most of what I remember was pretty weird.

Where to start…I don’t remember the order of the dreams, just various segments. One of the stranger portions was where for some reason, I had to drive to school due to…I don’t even know what, maybe missing the bus…but it was that I had to drive to high school instead of college. At some point in the dream, I had a bicycle, but it was broken in some way because I was lugging it around (and having a hard time of it, too), and somehow ended up lugging it around a campus-like environment that definitely wasn’t Rutgers, nor Highlands…I don’t know what or where it was. And while doing that, I glanced at the bike and noticed it was missing the front part, which had mysteriously “fallen” somewhere when I was walking, so I decided to backtrack to where I’d left the car. On the way there, I met one of my old acquaintences, John Z, who walked with me, then offered to help me find the missing segment. As we were walking, he seemed to see some people he knew by the side of a building, and we went up to them. There were a few young people selling…something taco-like, but it looked really good, and for a very good price. After some weird bargaining, I decided to buy one of them, paid for it…then I don’t know what happened to the food, b/c John and I continued our trek. I was still lugging the bike segment, and John sped on ahead, and I spotted the segment on the grass. I don’t know what else happened.

The other dream segment that I remembered, even before I remembered the bike search, was that for some reason, I was exploring Carnegie Mellon University’s campus. Now obviously, I should’ve realized that something was off, because I’ve never been on CMU’s campus. But it’s not much of a mystery as to how I somehow knew it was CMU–I just did, in the way that you think  you know things in a dream. so, the part that I remember in this segment was that there was some kind of assembly or gathering, and that at some point i was looking up at some upper balcony-ish area that was mysteriously there (I think the gathering/assembly/etc was outside), and thought I saw a familiar face. It’s fairly obvious to me why it was CMU, and the familiar face that I thought I’d glimpsed was…well, haha, a face that I’d only seen in pictures since 2007.  All I remember in the rest of this dream segment was just the urgent feeling to try to see her again. I don’t remember if I was trying to catch a glimpse or if in the dream I meant to go talk or anything, but I remember the urgency, and I seem to remember being disappointed as well, maybe that I wasn’t able to accomplish that before the dream switched scenes or something. I wonder if the bike search had anything to do with CMU and her.

So yeah. dream segments recorded, me up and around much earlier than normal (I even went outside and took some pictures of the house with the snow), went outside and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk…fairly productive, and it’s not even 10am yet.

i don’t know what these dream things might mean, but i guess from them, or at least from one segment, i can infer a few things about me. maybe will think about it more later.

in any case, i’m heading to chinese school for the first time in a really long time. ahaha…i’m fairly sure things won’t be too different. i don’t know if that’s good or bad…?

 

dreams…i dunno, in some ways i’m kinda afraid to try talking to you again.

two extremes

Ever had one of those realizations, where you suddenly notice that you’re doing something not so much because you want to or because you particularly enjoy it, but because…you’re not really sure what else to do?

Seems like each day of break has either been packed, or completely wasted…either I’m doing things, or I’m sleeping at extreme hours, missing most of the day and then wasting what’s left. I’m not sure why, though.
A new keyboard’s not going to make me happy, watching some DVDs is not going to make me happy, and playing computer games til dawn certainly isn’t going to do much for me either.  I’ve got to find a good way to keep myself busy in a productive kind of way.

and for these last hours I guess I’ve felt kinda…antsy, for lack of a better term. Not feeling very settled or satisfied with anything I’m trying to do…don’t want to do anything on the computer, don’t want to eat or read or sleep (though that might have something to do with waking up too late in the afternoon –“). ..don’t want to do almost anything i can think of. 

what should a person DO when they feel like that?

and in the longer term, what’ll it take to be at least not unsatisfied?  I think I need to interact with people, be doing things, anything besides being unproductive.

So…”just keep swimming?” Never much liked swimming in the first place.

deeper

The bit of free time I’ve had during break so far has reinforced my belief that though i’ve got a good amount of pc games, i won’t find what i’m looking for in them.

I’m not sure if I know what it is i’m looking for, but i’m certain i’m not going to find it in a virtual life.

But I think i’ve already known that, and found out that I’ve got to out there, interacting, doing things, to feel alive.

uneasy

i’ve been getting the feeling that i’ve recently been trying a different way to “drown” my troubles, so to speak, this time in like…trying to acquire things that I think i want. obviousl i already know this won’t help, but i feel like now, when i can’t be messing myself up in school, and i don’t have the release of playing badminton easily at hand, i’m trying to find something else to do to keep my mind busy and myself occupied.

i guess thus far, staying busy has actually been pretty easy, since pretty much every day since break started has been very busy. i guess…that’s a very good thing.

i just don’t exactly know why right now i so keenly feel like…part sad, part i don’t know. after seeing that friend’s entry, i don’t know. i guess the fact that i’m affected to more of a degree than i KNOW i should means that i haven’t quite gotten over everything.  and i guess it’s kinda telling when i wake up and the only thing i remember from whatever dreams i had, is frantically trying to get get to the gmail tab in my internet browser b/c it was flashing a message from pcttsai. i don’t remember reaching that tab in the dream, but i just remember the struggle to get there, though.

:/ why. can’t i just…damn.

not much is different

well…2009. not much is different yet. 2007 to 2008, 2008 to 2009. fast.

 

i’m thinking that i’ve never quite figured out how to just finally let go, because i’m a bit afraid.

 

care really kinda is key, and i guess the fact that it’s starting in on another year already and still i don’t want to just forget, is testament to how much a little bit of care can do.

haha…thanks, again.