so i don’t remember the last time i’d blogged, whether here or in the ol xanga. this time it’s not that it’s been a hugely long gap of time between entries, just more of the fact that these past days have been busy and i actually don’t remember the last time i wrote.

but i had this dream last night, or maybe i should say this night, or even “early morning” would be accurate, since i prob. went to sleep at around 3 in the morning today—which, considering my past track record for this winter break, is actually almost a reasonable time. so i decide to turn in “earlier”, and i think i fell asleep fairly quickly. 

but i guess peaceful–or at least dreamless–sleep wasn’t to be, at least not this night. i woke up a few times, once probably at around 8am-ish, another time at around 10-ish, and maybe one more time because i picked up a call. but after getting up, i remembered a series of vivid dreams, and i guess i say “vivid” because it’s only certain ones that i remember nowadays.

so this series of dreams…i guess the only one that i actually remember is this: for some reason, i don’t know how or why exactly, but i find myself at the house of Tiff T. now…this immediately is illogical because for one, i’ve never been to her house, have never seen it in real life (i don’t think i’ve seen pics of it either), and for another, the house was in like…i want to say a woodsy-type environment, but i definitely don’t know what was around. what was strange was that part of the house of was seemingly higher up, or at least that’s how it seemed to me b/c…well, I guess I’ll get to that.  so maybe it’d be more factually accurate to say that i’m at some house, but that i knew it was Tiff’s, in that funny way that you “know” things in dreams even though logically it doesn’t hold up. i’m at her house, and i think she was sitting on a chair or something outside it. 

actually, i’m kinda mad at myself because i delayed in writing this (tried to start shortly after waking up, had to stop b/c i needed to pack the laptop away, and now it’s 1:46am of the next day), and it’s possible that i might’ve forgotten bits of it…and it’s annoying because i think these are the kinds of dreams that i remember for good reason. 

well ok. i guess i don’t remember all that much of the dream, or maybe it’s possible that not too much happened in the dream–either way, i remember talking with her for a very short while…i don’t know what i might’ve said, i feel like it might’ve been something about it being kind of hard to try to catch up…and what i remember is something like, hearing a sound from her house, which was higher than us, and so i ducked back into the shadow of the balcony/walkway-ish area that protruded from the house. but that didn’t stop tiff’s mom from looking out and easily spotting me anyway. i don’t remember if i awkwardly waved or said hi, but i just remember tiff’s mom and her exchanging a few words, and then i don’t remember what happened. 

i’m definitely frustrated now because i don’t know if i forgot some detail of the dream that was important…though i think if i probably wouldn’t have forgotten if there was anything important. i just know, though, that when i finally made myself get out of bed, i was feeling very strongly about something.

i don’t know if that dream was really supposed to mean anything. if nothing else, i think it’s a reminder to me that i need to just…i dunno. is “move on” a phrase i can really use here? i thought that in large part, i had. i know that a big part of me had changed, and that there are some things that apparently are hard to just forget about, but i…well, i guess i don’t know a lot of things. what i do know is that i’m still sorry that we’ve drifted this much, and don’t know if there’s anything that i could have done about it. making matters worse is that i want to just like…well, catch up, like i’d tried to say in a heartfelt entry months ago, but it just never happened. i think i tried to IM but there just wasn’t any response. and now the truth of the matter is that, dumb as it might sound, i’m afraid to IM, because I’m afraid that it’ll be the same response–or rather, the same silence. and i’m also afraid of what i would do, because i’m definitely at the end of my ropes when it comes to being consistently ignored. i’m afraid because therein lies a trap where i can’t win. if i just ignore her ignoring me, then nothing gets done and i get more frustrated. and if i don’t ignore it and instead just go and ask her directly why i’m being ignored, then i might end up losing a friend. but the sad thing is, at this point, i’m just disappointed when i wonder how much of “friends” we are. 

this past holiday season, i definitely spent way too much money, some on things that i didn’t need. i would gladly give almost all of what i bought away, just for a chance to just catch up, or for a chance to…i dunno. to have some peace of mind, even a few moments of something like contentment. being able to spend a good amount of time with my friends over break definitely helped.

so this new semester…i can’t afford to mess up. i am determined to do well, more so than i ever have been. and i guess that’s good, because this semester i have much more motivation than last, most of which is probably prompted by the fact that i’m on being like…academically watched, because of my abysmal performance last semester. what’s worse than abysmal…terrible…whatever word might fit. last semester was basically a waste of a semester. a total f-up. doesn’t get much worse than that, i wasn’t too far away from a complete Z-E-R-O for the past semester’s GPA. does not get much worse than that.

so yeah. not only do i finally want to do better, i have to. and i will. there’s not really much of an alternative.

 

man. getting back to college life…i dunno. in a few days we’ll see how i’m adjusting or readjusting, but i just hope i can change a bit. there’s something so nice about doing a “new leaf” thing, about starting over. 

 

maybe one of these days, if i feel like it’s the right time, i’ll see if i can’t IM her. 

one of those friends that you would give so much to keep. even just to stay in contact. i know she’s busy nowadays, has been busy, but hmm. i think if i can’t get a good solid response…well, i’ll deal with that if need be.

eh. enough rambling. i’m going to get to doing stuff before i turn in for the night. first day of classes…

2:54am. signing off for now.

 

::edit 1/21/09.  2:48am::

I remembered something about the dream that I forgot to write, and I guess it’s fairly important. There was a part where we were talking, and I don’t remember what she said, but I just know that I was hearing her voice…that being significant because I don’t remember what her voice sounds like, which is something that makes me a bit, i dunno, a little sad. i don’t even remember if the voice that she was speaking in was her real voice or not, but…i dunno. even in the dream, hearing her speak…i guess that caused something to twinge within me.

that’s it for the edit, unless i happen to remember anything else…doubtful.

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