3.23am.

funny what people say when they’re drunk…a roommate apparently came back a bit ago from some gathering or other, and since he’s not used to be drunk he seemed kind of hard to handle, busted into our room.  i’d actually been asleep for a while, which would be unusual for me except for the fact that i was up all night yesterday, so i was out pretty early tonight.  well, it was hard for me to get back to sleep after he’d left since he was talking loudly, banging stuff, just being loud.  he said some things…but i guess i’ve already experienced that when people are drunk they say what they really think, or a slightly skewed version of it.  hurt a bit, but whatever.

So lately I’ve apparently been continuing my little academic suicide spree.  I don’t know…I’ve been, well like I said…I don’t know.  It seems like the same old story, where it’s not like I don’ t know what I’m doing wrong, not like I don’t know what I need to do in order to get myself mostly back on track, but as usual, I’ve been unable to do it.

I just feel terrible right now.  That’s partially because my sleep schedule has just been messed with yet again, but also because I have absolutely no idea what the heck I’m doing.  I’m messing up in so many ways, I think, and yet in other ways things kind of work.  It’s a weird divide.  I get the strong feeling that this decline of mine is in some way the return of what happened in sixth grade.  The difference now is that I’ve almost expected it, that now I know what I’m doing wrong, but another difference is that this time I just…I don’t really care.

Of the many changes that’ve happened to me since entering college, I feel that one of the most troubling ones is that I don’t care as much about some things.  Freshman year, I would be mad early for class.  Went to lectures and everything, did most of my work I think.  Things were ok even though there’d be lots of nights where I was up late.  But something changed at some point.  Sophomore year, first semester went so-so and I think there was another change when I took calc I and basically failed it.  There was…something of a failure to do what needed to be done.  I dropped the ball in a lot of ways and just…didn’t feel like jogging over to pick it up.  I used to run to catch buses to class when I was running late, and now most of the time I don’t have that inclination.

I don’t really know–what happened?

I’ve wondered if a week of CSC a while back, and all the resulting changes, could possibly have had anything to do with this.  I’m pretty sure that if there’s any kind of–well, I was going to say ‘relationship’ but I guess ‘correlation’ would be the better word–correlation between these separate chains of events, it’d be more of me having changed a good amount, but those changes not necessarily including whatever’s causing me trouble.

It’s strange that since that week of CSC and the weeks, months, that followed, I started to care a lot more about some things, and I think I might’ve started to care less about other things (not right away, I think).  This whole thing about ‘caring’…like I’ve mentioned in previous entries, whether here or on xanga…ended up coming out of almost nowhere to become a central explanation for a lot of the things in my life.  I dunno…who might think that one week could change a person quite so much?  Haha, I guess I would, though my opinion might be a bit biased, but even before then, I think I was of the mind that even a few moments could cause great changes.  And I don’t think I’m wrong.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last weeks or something, which isn’t unusual.  When I was home last weekend for the first time in a good while (had a doctor’s appointment on Saturday to get my CSC medical paperwork filled out), there were a few occasions when I was driving alone, probably heading to pick up my sister or something like that.  I’ve started to notice that I have a different kind of attitude in my actual home home…for one, I think a lot more, especially when I’m driving alone.  So for a long time I’ve meant to write some things down, write some entries on the mess of things that’ve been in my mind, but I guess it “was fated” that I wouldn’t do it until I was woken up at some late (early) hours and just feel like crap.  ‘Funny’ how things work like that.

I think I’ve gotten somewhat harder…somewhat less tolerant of bs, less tolerant of stupid things, than I might’ve been either before college or before that week of CSC (the line between the two kind of blur together since so many different changes result from them both.)  I feel, sometimes, that in some ways I’m more unpleasant at certain times–like I have little patience sometimes for people consistently doing things wrong, purposely or not…but I know there are some times when I should’ve had more patience.  I think my experiences really do affect me in a bunch of ways that sometimes might not be immediately obvious, and I say that with regards to how things are with my apartment roommates.  One of them has been my roommate since freshman year; his current roommate was also in our freshman dorm.  My roommate–our third apartment roommate–is someone that my old roommate met, who’s been living with us.  Things haven’t always been fine and dandy in our apartment, but for the most part I thought we got along relatively well for a bunch of guys.  But sometimes I question that.  There is a bunch of distance among us all, that might not have been there before.  I know in some ways, I’ve distanced myself because of a variety of things:  I don’t like how messy they make our common areas (I’m not always the epitome of cleanliness but I like a certain…neatness…in my surroundings), I don’t get along right now with my old roommate because of his ownership issues but more so because of his lying, and my other roommates…?  Well, they just do their thing and I do mine.  Two of them are in the school of pharmacy, which works for them.  But among all of us, we have fairly different ideas about, well, I guess our living styles, living habits, and just general outlook and attitudes towards life.  I’ll admit, living with these guys has had its high points–we’ve had fun a lot of times–but in general, for some reasons that I guess are just me being somewhat too untolerant about some things…I’m not really very happy.

That’s why next year is already looking pretty messed up.  I’m supposed to be living with Ahmedul again, plus two of his friends, and we didn’t get the apartment we should have gotten because the guy who was supposed to go sign us up for it went and f-ing forget.  Damnnnnn I’m still freaking mad about that.  I mean, the past is the past, sure, but it really doesn’t help that now even though we do have decent housing, the location sucks for me.  Getting into Easton Ave apartments would’ve been perfect in so many ways, since it’s right off College Ave, it’s near bubble tea and food places, it’s right across from the friends I hang out with…it’s just stupid the way things worked out.  But I don’t really want to think about that since it’ll just aggravate me.

I wonder sometimes if I’d be better off living in a single or something, but I usually dismiss those thoughts because I feel that I need some camaraderie in my daily life.  Uh I don’t know if I can apply the term ‘camaraderie’ to our apartment, exactly, but it’s nice to have company sometimes.  Although most times, I just prefer silence when I’m doing some times.  The thing with me…I think I’m just very particular about the company I keep.  I mean, I’ve noticed that before, about how I’m kind of particular about my friends, but I can’t help but to wonder if I’m maybe too particular, if maybe my unwritten standards might sometimes be too high.  I wonder if there’s really anyone out there who I’d be able to live with that wouldn’t aggravate me in some way.  And I suppose if I delve deeper into it I’ll probably discover some more things about myself and how I prefer to function…thoughts for another time.  It’s just…I care a lot about the people who care what the heck happens to me, and I think I’m thrown off in my apartment because we’re all living together but we aren’t really all that close.

Another subject that whirls through my mind sometimes is my entry a while back directed towards an old friend of mine.  At some point some months ago I subscribed to datingish on xanga (however the two are affilated) and so I get occasional updates, and some of the blogs are educational in a lot of ways.  I mention this subscription because in reading some of the blogs and subsequent comments by the people out there that had to do with issues that I felt I could empathize with, I realized some of the mistakes that I might’ve made.  I have a strong inclination to go back to that post of mine and add some more to the bottom of it, having gotten a little bit wiser/smarter since the time I wrote it, courtesy of the collective wisdom of blog readers and posters.  I think what I would add would be something about how…hmm.  For one, I didn’t quite realize that, back when we were chatting a lot and closer, I didn’t realize that I might’ve been holding on a bit too tightly.  I can easily, I think, understand why I might’ve held on tightly–I think humans as a whole tend to try to do that with the things that matter to us–but I also realize that sometimes when you try to hang on too tightly, it ends up having the opposite effect.  I see some of the ways I think I might’ve ‘gone wrong’, or things that maybe I could’ve done better, for things to not necessarily have gone the way they did.  And I guess I don’t mean that there was necessarily anything I could’ve done for us to stay together–I think the fact that we were so far apart and that I couldn’t conveniently visit was a pretty big hurdle, in which case the decision to just be friends makes (more) sense since all that distance in any relationship is at best tough.  In a lot of ways I don’t regret that we went somewhat separate ways, because it was weeks and months after we weren’t as close that I learned so much about myself, changed in certain ways.  If in some alternate future something different had happened…all I know is that I wouldn’t have learned the same things and wouldn’t be a better person for it.

I don’t know exactly what I intend for the intended addedum to my old post to be…an apology, perhaps just a simple-ish explanation.  It’s probably more along the lines of an explanation, knowing me, and I guess as I’d write it would help organize things in my own mind, as well as providing the additional benefit of having some kind of mental ‘closure’ in a way.  In any case, if/when I get around to writing that addendum, “we’ll see” what happens.  I’m not too worried–I think I can say what I want to say, at least there.

Switching subjects again: I’ve just been thinking that I should forgive a bit more.  And I wonder, at the same time, if that means that I should care less…?  I’ve thought that I should care less about certain things, mostly the ‘unimportant’ things, whatever that might mean.  It’s another work-in-progress, I suppose.  I’ll add it to the long long list, haha.

I’m going to return to bed soon.  I’ve realized that a big part of my problems recently have stemmed from me just not getting enough sleep, and even though I’ve tried (with low levels of success) to slowly fix that…all I can say is that this too is an ongoing process.  But I forgive myself for being up right now because I was sleeping earlier and because I’ll soon be back to sleep.  And because I’m up writing this, because otherwise I don’t think it’d get written.

Ha…I guess this post has kinda jumped from topic to topic since I started it a while ago.

My last thoughts that spring to mind right now is just on the subject of that old friend, who recently was accepted into KPL sorority with the nickname “Vigilante.”  My thought when I saw that was that it was in some ways kind of fitting…that the girl I’d known had a strong sense of right, was good at heart, but at the same time was definitely not soft and had no trouble going about things her own way.  Haha…I don’t know if that was a completely inaccurate reading, but that’s something of the thought I had.  I wonder how she’s changed too?

Sweet dreams, friends.  It’s nice to have those every once in a while, and even better when you’re awake and living it.

4:47am.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s