there, and back again, again

   At the start of another summer vacation, I find myself once again with a little too much time on my hands.  Seeing as how this is the summer of my junior year in college (counting years, not credits), this overabundance of time isn’t really a good thing.  It always feels a bit strange–small part relief, small part dread, small part of a lot of emotions–to be back at home for long stretches of time.  Perhaps one of the biggest differences is that it’s not as easy to keep myself occupied in relatively more ‘productive’ ways.  At college, it’s easy to just head out of the dorm and go do anything.  At home, going to any places farther away than the library requires driving, and there aren’t really too many places I feel like going nowadays anyway.  

   After moving the majority of my things home last Saturday, I went back to Rutgers Monday morning to finish up a few things.  Minutes after arriving on campus, I already felt like I was doing more things than I had all weekend at home.  I called multiple people to discuss a variety of things; I went places to do things–I kept myself occupied.  At home it seems so easy to just stagnate, for lack of a better word.  It’s so easy to just fall into a mindless routine of, I dunno, playing games for no reason, or…I guess doing anything without an end result in mind.  It just doesn’t work, though, because lately I’ll catch myself and try to force myself to do something more useful, to varying degrees of success.  For instance, earlier I pulled out my Chinese textbook from the class I’d taken this year in an attempt to begin (re)learning some of the materials that we’d ostensibly been learning throughout the past semester.  I was able to work for around an hour with limited interruptions, but now the same few pages sits near me, waiting for me to return to them.

   I was telling myself today that there were a few things I should do within the next week or so that should be fairly easily doable.  I’d been meaning to finish “Art of War” for a while–so that’s on the list.  Working on studying Chinese–well, the time I’d just spent earlier studying Chinese has basically been more time that I’ve spent on studying than almost anything I’d done at college, which is obviously a bad thing.  Hmm…I think this has started to drag on so I’ll try to switch tack in the hopes of temporarily revitalizing my own writing, and do some more introspection/thinking as opposed to dry narrating.

   Ah, yes.  At some point these last few days, I was looking up some Buddhist quotes.  I don’t remember what prompted me to do so (oh yeah I saw one quote come up on this iPod application of mine).  But there were some quotes within the bunch that I discovered that really seemed important to me in various ways, whether in their insight/truthfulness, or whatever.  I had various thoughts on them–let me put a few of those down.

   The first quote I saw, that led me to the other ones, was this:  “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.”  It strikes me as so true especially because I can think of so many examples, some firsthand, of how that works.  A few hours earlier, I asked my father about it, and though he didn’t think of any that exactly matched, he told me one that had a similar meaning: ” “, meaning basically that the fires of anger burn away all the good things that one has done before…something like that.  Yeah, anger…that’s a whole post, maybe even series of posts, by itself.  Some other time, then.

   I think I’ll just list off the other quotes that had an impression on me so that I don’t really need to list all the impressions I had.

“No one saves us but ourselves.  No one can and no one may.  We ourselves must walk the path.”

“Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”

“The mind is everything.  What you think, you become.”

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.”

“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life;  foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.”

“The whole secret of existance is to have no fear.  Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one.  Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.”

“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”

   Actually, I can’t resist putting in a few thoughts about the above quotes.  For one, I’m not sure why certain quotes have an impact on me.  There’s this one quote from Oscar Wilde that says, “Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation”, which springs to mind whenever I wonder about the effect that quotes have on me.  For whatever combination of reasons, I am the sort who can’t resist a good quote.  That’s not to say I’ll go around quoting it, but I do internalize the quotes that truly affect me, making them a part of my daily life.  In that way, I guess I could say certain quotes have in ways changed my life.  The quote from Meg Cabot about fear, for instance, changed my outlook on it, and then the quote above from the Buddha regarding fear also gives me another opinion on the way that one might deal with fear.  I think I feel that within some of the quotes I see is some kind of answer that might help me do whatever it is I need to do.  I realize that some of the answers are right in front of me, but an array of answers doesn’t really help if I don’t have the right question, and also the right methods too.

   I dunno.  It appears that this post is going to be jumping around on a few subjects, which might actually be a common condition amongst the posts I make nowadays.  

   Time.  Goes by quickly.  Wasted too much of it already.  

I’m not entirely in a mood I’d prefer to be in when writing.  I think I’ll continue another time.  And I’ll try something else until I either fall asleep or…whatever.

recent weekend

Well, it’s been an interesting few days.

Friday, basically chilled w/Preston–grabbed lunch, then went to his hometown of Parsippany and helped their high school set up for a badminton tournament that was to be held later in the day.

Haha, we went to Home Depot and bought 9 rolls of masking tape, then Preston and I were basically responsible for setting up…well, pretty much everything. We’d looked up the dimensions of a badminton court, and after we returned to his school we went and measured things out in as close a manner as we could. Basically we spent around 1 and 1/2 hours or so taping down lines with masking tape…haha the whole experience was interesting.

The whole time, I was wondering how exactly Preston’s friend was going to do things if Preston and I hadn’t shown up to help…it didn’t seem like that guy had any solid idea of what he was going to do. Oh well.

During the tournament…it was so-so. Preston and I figured we wouldn’t play too hard unless our opponents were actually ok, so we generally didn’t have too much trouble, although we did lose one match. In the semi-finals, we lost to our opponents, who were one of the more decent teams there (seeing as how they’d survived to the semi finals). Earlier, we’d been wondering how we could win without it seeming kind of unfair…but the fact that we lost actually solved that problem. In retrospect, I was glad–a bit–that we hadn’t won, just because I definitely thought it was fitting that the two teams playing each other for the title were both from their high school. The semi-final that we lost would’ve gone differently if we’d been playing all-out…but then, that would’ve been kind of wack. So it all worked out okay.

Afterwards we chilled at Preston’s house, which was pretty cool. We ended up doing a few things, most interesting of which included playing Tower Defense (multiplayer!) on Wii for more than 2hrs hahaha…and also Preston showed me this cool card game called Munchkins that was basically like a humorous RPG in card game form. We ended up going to sleep mad late, woke up later than we’d wanted at like 3pm, but still headed back to Rutgers and did a few things.

Dad came that same day and picked me up after I did a good amount of packing. Now I’m at home, and I’m heading back tomorrow (technically it’s later today now). I’m planning on catching the 11am train, so if I can wake up…I’ll be back on the banks by around 1 or so.

Gotta hand in a few forms, some money, etc, and then…we’ll see what happens. Hopefully I can play some badminton before finals are over–I’ll call Werblin tmrw morning.

Til later.
12:05am.

post-final thoughts

11:17pm.

   Technically I’m done with finals for this semester, meaning that I’m done with junior year.  Credit-wise, though, I don’t know if I’ve passed sophomore year.   That may be an exaggeration since I don’t know how many credits we juniors/seniors/whatever are supposed to have, and right now I’m not all that interested in looking.

   Classes weren’t too great this semester either, just due to me.  Still haven’t quite gotten myself to work in the right ways, I see.  Not good.

 

   I was browsing through a friend’s FB profile a day or so ago, possibly last night when I should’ve been doing more studying for abnormal psych, and when I’m doing that kind of browsing I always like to see what groups my friends are in.  I feel that what a person does with regards to FB groups says something(s) about that person, so I like to see if I draw any conclusions just by looking at someone’s FB groups.  Well, I mention this because I saw that this friend was part of a group called “Someone saved my life.,.” or something like that, give or take a period or something.  I was a bit curious, so I opened it in another tab to investigate.

   So going off memory here, b/c I don’t really want to reopen that tab, the group was basically about something like…hrm how to explain.  It was a group where the members ‘had their lives saved’ in the not necessarily (though I guess possibly) literal sense; where thanks to a good friend or the influence of someone they knew/admired/etc, they were able to avoid the dangerous course that they might’ve been on, avoid crashing and burning, I guess; that thanks to another person, they were able to rise up and be better.  At least, that’s the general idea that I got from the group.

   Why do I mention this group?  Well, haha, for one I was seriously wondering if I should join it.  I actually saw, without digging deeper into the group members, that there was at least another person I knew who was in the group aside from the friend who I found the group through.  Reading the group creator’s description of how he was able to start caring about things thanks to a crush of his whom he admired, I felt like I empathized in some ways. 

   Haha…there’ve been a good amount of people in my life who have influenced me in all sorts of ways–one might make the argument that everyone I’ve met has in some way helped to shape the me of now–but of the people who’ve caused truly vast changes in me in short amounts of time…even that is difficult to figure out, since so many things in my life (and I guess in any other) are interconnected and interrelated.  But I should be able to confidently say that if I had to pick one person in my recent life who’s been what I think of as a ‘catalyst’ (sparked off changes) to me, one person kind of sticks out.  I’m not debating over whether or not she changed my life–I’m more wondering if it counts as “someone saved my life”.  I was thinking, if anything, I was saved from a more shallow existance–I learned what it really meant to really care.  It’s well-nigh impossible to say what would’ve happened if we hadn’t met–who knows if I would ever have had my horizons broadened in quite the same way?  Possibly not for many years…and on the other hand it might’ve happened days later.  I don’t know if my life was saved.  What I do know is that in the aftermath there were learning experiences like no other, and that life’s been a bit different ever since.  Good or bad thing?  Both, I guess.  It’s one of those things that one emerges from better for the experience, though perhaps the experience could’ve been a bit different.  ::shrug::  So seeing that group sparked off a good amount of thoughts, as a lot of things tend to, haha.

   On a different but slightly related note…I saw a pic online that made me feel relieved in a significant way.  Kinda like I’m not entirely gone, if you know what I mean.  To vaguely specify:  I saw grapes, and I hadn’t been sure if those were still around.  Haha…helps a bit, though.

 

   Mm well.  As usual there’ve been a lot of things I wanted to write about but as it happens it didn’t happen til now.  But I’m glad I was able to sit myself down, figuratively speaking, and write a bit about the things I wanted to think about.

12:23am.

-1:00am edit-

   I was flicking through some of the previous posts on this blog, and as I was skimming through entries, I thought, “huh…the posts here seem a little more…not as light a tone as on my xanga.”  Not to say that my xanga entries were all fun and games, but in general, compared to the entries on this wordpress account, I feel like the entries on this wordpress account tend to deal with more things that I’m not quite as happy about.  It could just be that on my xanga I posted a mix of things and posted more often (at least in for a period after the latter portion of 2007) and that here I post sporadically, occasionally impulsively…I seriously think, though, that aside from the possibility of me being a little more grim in general, that I post more “truth” on this blog.  I mean that in the sense of, since almost no one I know knows about this blog, I can write things without worrying that I’ll unconsciously tweak things in any way.  Hmm.

2:15am.

   Haha I sure do jump through time.  The above paragraph didn’t take 1hr+ to write.  In the interim I was mostly flipping through stuff online, brushing teeth, lightly dozing, etc.

   So a bit ago I went onto my xanga and looked up the weblog archive listing and posted it.  Let me repaste that here too:

May 2009 (1)  –> that’d be “2” counting this one.
March 2009 (1)
February 2009 (2)
January 2009 (4)
December 2008 (9)
November 2008 (25)
October 2008 (12)
September 2008 (13)
August 2008 (15)
July 2008 (25)
June 2008 (13)
May 2008 (22)
April 2008 (56)
March 2008 (49)
February 2008 (38)
January 2008 (40)
December 2007 (35)
November 2007 (78)
October 2007 (112)
September 2007 (56)
August 2007 (3)
September 2006 (1)
June 2006 (1)
May 2006 (1)
April 2006 (2)
March 2006 (4)
February 2006 (2)
January 2006 (1)
December 2005 (3)
November 2005 (4)
October 2005 (5)
September 2005 (4)
July 2005 (2)
May 2005 (4)
April 2005 (5)
March 2005 (2)
February 2005 (1)
January 2005 (1)
December 2004 (2)
November 2004 (1)
October 2004 (3)
September 2004 (8)
August 2004 (3)
July 2004 (1)

 

   If it was graphed (I’m a bit tempted to open up Excel to take a look), I’m sure it’d look interesting, since it’s kinda sparse in the beginnings, back in 2004, with sporadic entries here and there, and then come 9/2007…bam.  Ahaha…yeah those were interesting times, especially October…a bit rough.  But so much learned. 

 

   I’m a bit tired, but I don’t feel tired enough to really fall asleep for a huge period of time.  I kind of want to write more b/c there’re so many things I want to think more on, but I’m a bit jittery now and can’t seem to be able to settle on one thing.

   Tomorrow, or technically later today, should be interesting…check out a high school badminton competition of sorts.  I guess we’ll see how it goes.

weblog archive thus far

i remember a friend did this a while back and i thought it was pretty cool, so i looked for the weblog archive on this blog. haha…interesting.

May 2009 (1) –> I guess counting this entry it’d make 2.
March 2009 (1)
February 2009 (2)
January 2009 (4)
December 2008 (9)
November 2008 (25)
October 2008 (12)
September 2008 (13)
August 2008 (15)
July 2008 (25)
June 2008 (13)
May 2008 (22)
April 2008 (56)
March 2008 (49)
February 2008 (38)
January 2008 (40)
December 2007 (35)
November 2007 (78)
October 2007 (112)
September 2007 (56)
August 2007 (3)
September 2006 (1)
June 2006 (1)
May 2006 (1)
April 2006 (2)
March 2006 (4)
February 2006 (2)
January 2006 (1)
December 2005 (3)
November 2005 (4)
October 2005 (5)
September 2005 (4)
July 2005 (2)
May 2005 (4)
April 2005 (5)
March 2005 (2)
February 2005 (1)
January 2005 (1)
December 2004 (2)
November 2004 (1)
October 2004 (3)
September 2004 (8)
August 2004 (3)
July 2004 (1)

I imagine this would make a funny graph.

Life’s been interesting. Technically I’m done with finals. Now what?

finals day

7:45am.
i am tired right now. the plan right now is to stop doing stuff on the computer that has nothing to do with studying…and then study for abnormal psych final that’s at 12 in a few hours.
then i plan to head to the SAC to deposit money, hand in PERR forms, etc…i’m hoping that’ll be done with quickly and easily.

then i’m going to come back here and sleep until dinner.

so tired.

music in a dream

weird. woke up today, remembered a strange kind of dream…part of it involved me walking around listening to some music, which i don’t ever remember dreaming about before, especially since i can’t seem to find this song. i looked on google to see if i could find anything based on the lyrics i remembered, “..just hope i won’t fall in love with you…” or something like that. problem is, that’s a pretty wide ‘something like that’, since there are apparently a fair amount of songs like that.
well, i’ll check with the roommate later to see if he was playing any songs when i was sleeping, but i dunno. that’s kind of strange.

facebook

in a quick note about facebook…i find it somewhat interesting how my “friend” count seems to fluctuate. i know the numbers don’t really mean much, but i admit that i am curious as to which people are unfriending me…but then again, if i never notice who those people might be, then they’re probably not people i was really friends with anyway…hence “facebook friends.”

oh well.

weekend before finals start

The past few days have passed by quickly, as lately all days seem to do. Friday…had a mini oral presentation in Chinese class, then later was our last badminton practice of the semester. My other three roommates had been planning to have a party to celebrate a few things (also, Friday was Rutgersfest, which many students take as an excuse to drink more than usual), and after I got back from badminton, some people were already in our apartment.

Basically…I took a quick shower and then packed up a few of my things, then met with Preston and headed to the campus center to grab some food. Then we headed to Metzger and I chilled there for the next 4 hours or so, learned the basics of how to play Settlers of Catan and Little Big Planet, then headed back to the apartment at around 4 or 5am.

Opened the door, got in, and the first thing I see is DK passed out on the couch in the living room. Ok. So I peek into the other bedroom and see Ashok asleep and some random black guy also asleep on the couch that they’d moved into the room. I go into our room and am about to turn on the lights when I hear the breathing sound of someone sleeping. Naturally this confuses me a bit because DK is outside and I’m there and awake, so I turn on the lights. Surprise. Ahmedul’s sleeping on my bed. And some things of mine are tossed around, my table’s messy, and a few cans of my iced tea are open and lying around. I’d been a bit tired before, but I was instantly furious. A few minutes later, Ahmedul woke up and eventually stumbled over to his own room. I was ticked off as hell and pacing around the apartment for a while before I decided to try sleeping to cool my nerves a bit.

Eventually went to sleep on my bed. Woke up at around 11:50am and was instantly mad again after seeing the state of our room. Eventually I headed out because the ROAR board was having a lunch over at Harvest Moon, but I was late because the next weekend L bus wasn’t arriving for another good 25ish minutes. I head for the campus center and as I’m waiting for the bus, I bump into Elisa, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, so we chat and then the bus arrives, turns out she’s headed in the CA direction as well, so we chat on the bus. I was pretty glad, actually, that I’d bumped into her, because some of the stories she was telling me after I explained to her about the disaster in our apartment were pretty interesting and even made me laugh, and I think I really needed to not just get out and away from the apartment but also time to cool off and a bit of time to vent, and Elisa’s stories about her horseback-riding trainer who is a former Black Panther with interest only in “horses, dogs and guns”, and how that teacher ran a camp like a boot camp (they apparently had to wake at 4 in the morning to run a mile in upstate NY, then shovel horse manure…all sorts of intense things)…hahaha. The stories helped take my mind off things and I guess kept my anger from just building up…not that it needed any building up at all at that point.

Well, yeah. Eventually we arrive on CA, I head to Harvest Moon, after eating a tasty lunch, Sana and I head to the campus center to fill out a few administrative things for ROAR, then I meet up with Chris and Gabe and co, eventually end up heading to their place to chill…and that’s where we stayed for the rest of the night into the early morning. Haha, Preston came a bit later and he ended up staying with us.
Sunday…we got up sometime in the afternoon, eventually came back to Busch to grab brunch/lunch, then Preston had to head back and I went back to 123 Somerset for another few hours.

Yeah…quite a weekend. Saturday was Eric’s birthday! I called him at a few minutes after 12 on Saturday night/Sunday morning, but luckily over in Illinois it was still 11, so I chatted with him a while. Good to hear that things seem to be well and the same with him.

I definitely have rarely ever been so mad…and I’m considering a few things already. I’m definitely considering looking into seeing if I can switch housing next year. I don’t know what I’d do, but I’m not at all sure I really want to room with that one and his friend’s next semester, especially given the fallout from the party they held this past Friday.

Oh yeah…last Wednesday, I think it was, my dog tag from artscow.com disappeared.  I’m sure I was wearing it to the gym and that I took it off and put it into my pocket while I was playing badminton, but I noticed it missing after I got back to the apartment.  I’ve been annoyed about that, but I just went and placed an order for another one (luckily the same discount coupon is still in effect–that’s one good thing).  When I’m done tweaking designs for another similar design, I’ll try to place another order and hope that the coupon code is still good, haha.

Nothing’s quite easy, haha.

different paths

5:46am.

I just spent some amount of time flicking through different pics on facebook. I ended up, somehow, flicking through some old CYC06 pics, and that led me to a few of the old group’s fb pages…and things kind of spiraled from there. It’s surprised me in some ways to kind of see where people are now, how they look, what they seem to be up to…things just seem…haha, strangely weird, if that makes any sense. I see that a few of those old friends seem to be in the Taiwan area, are doing things, and I guess what really strikes me as odd, what really gives me the feeling that something’s weird, is that we’re all like…i dunno. going on about our lives and doing such different things. the idea of people coming together for a period in their lives–in our case around 2 weeks–and then going off into the future…no one knows if they’ll see each other again. i wonder if i’ll ever meet, face-to-face, any of the old cyc06 group 9 members. were we group 9, or am i making that up now?
2006…writing the year almost trivializes it, makes it seem as if it were “only” 3 years ago. but 3 years, man….it’s crazy what kinds of things happen in 3 years, what happens in even a single year.

i guess i just don’t quite know what to expect or feel because these kinds of meetings–meeting and living with a small group for a relatively short but definitely intense period–don’t quite happen much, and so…i’m always curious.

i really wonder…will any of us ever meet again? i know some of our old group members have at some point in the past, some of the participants of cyc06 are good friends and more now.

i feel like the concept of ‘yuan fen’ comes into play a bit. last description i heard was that it was like a “cosmic relationship between two or more individuals”…in some ways like fate, but having to do with two or more individuals.

we’ll just see what happens in the future, i guess. there’s really no telling what might happen.

haha…i know, at least, that i’m going to be hard-pressed to stay awake if i can manage to make it to class.

good night…or morning.
5:55am.