i wonder if close friendship, to me, might be something like a drug–that when i’m with people whose company i really enjoy, i’m on a personality “high” in that i’m more outgoing than usual, friendlier, in general just…better…and then when come the inevitable separating moments, i go through some kind of “withdrawal” in the form of, well, just being less sociable. withdrawing, so to speak, from the world, into a more contemplative mindset.
i’m rather discouraged right now, i think, but maybe not for any really “good” reason.
tired. feeling pretty bad. not sure why. don’t know if i want to bother figuring it out.
i hate this.
i think my outlook on life generally changed when i decided that i wanted to at least try living life to fullest. i wanted, and want, to live fully, live passionately, to LIVE instead of just…walking around in a routine. i remind myself to finish the things i start, as i feel it’s part of the kind of life i want to lead.
and apparently some of this transferred over to my friendships or relationships with people in general. i think when i form an attachment to a person, it’s fairly deep and not really easy to shake free. i think that’s why i’m so…shaken, if that’s the word…by the little things that might have to do with these people who matter to me. some people think i have amazing tolerance or patience, but in reality that’s only a partial truth. the fact is that i’m not necessarily bothered by a lot the things that bother many others. i do become annoyed by some things. certain things can easily rile me up. i
i am a person with whom a little appreciation goes a very, very long way. i don’t forget those who help me.
walking the long road back to the apartment today, i wondered: how am i alone again?
i didn’t realize the emptiness in my life until it was for a brief moment filled. but since then i’ve been fighting to hold it at bay. i think, though, that the lesson was that i can’t do it by myself.