up early for a lost cause

hmm, it’s around 10am and i’m out of bed. this is different, haha. too bad it’s too little too late.

i’ve got a little more than an hour to study for an exam i won’t pass, for a class i can’t pass. gee.

weather looks mad gloomy, plus rain, plus i think i’ve got a cold.

haha. here we gooo.

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asian american sexuality workshop

attended a workshop at AACC today about sexuality among Asian Americans hosted by a Calvin Sun. pretty interesting, learned some things, was thought-provoking in some ways too.

some of the things that he spoke about that i hadn’t thought of before, goes to show the kind of environment that a lot of asian-americans are raised in, especially those born to immigrant parents.

interesting.

now…trying to do a bit of studying. intend to actually sleep earlier tonight so as to make it to the exam. not expecting anything of this exam though.

let’s see how this day goes.

and, need to study some chinese daily too.

so tired…”strange” b/c it’s still hours from 3am.

hahaha.

full sunday

yesterday (sunday), got up at 9:50am, earliest i can remember being up on a sunday by myself (well, my alarm woke my roommate, who woke me). dressed, grabbed the lion head, and headed for College Ave.

basically spent a few hours doing an “intro to Lion Dancing” at the College Ave Gym with RCDT. looks like they’ll be incorporating it into their program.

had lunch around like 4pm, chilled for a few hours and then had verse one til around midnight. came back, did laundry (about time), now eating some stuff.

full day, everything from lion dancing to line dancing.

solitude

something satisfying about sitting outside under shelter on a rainy night, warm in a sweatshirt, feeling the breeze and hearing nothing but the sound of rain pattering against the world.

the kind of moment for finding a small bit of peace.

iQuotesFree app

there’s an interesting app on ipod called iQuotesFree, that has a lot of quotes i like.

“expectation is the root of all heartache.” -shakespeare

oversleeping dreams

why is the weather so nice today?

slept through first class today, which i guess isn’t surprising when you take into account a ~5 bedtime. soo stupid.

more remembered dream segments.
can’t remember the context, but she suddenly became warm toward me again about something, had the same enthusiasm that she doesn’t show anymore. i was surprised but distinctly remember thinking i shouldn’t question.

definitely felt real relief and a weight off my chest

which was equaled by the inevitable disappointment and resignation i felt when i woke up shortly and realized that it was just a dream. thinking, “too good to be true.”

can’t escape through sleep.

should plan

i wonder what’d be the result if i sat down and tried to play the rest of my life like i sometimes try to plan a coming week or month.

i think i need to do that. maybe needed something like that, oh, say, 3 or so years back. that might’ve been helpful hahaha.

earlier tonight vin mentioned that october is RUSA’s “what’s on your mind” month, which i thought was ironically appropriate.

nowadays hours breeze past and with it, life.

every time i look up at the night sky i’m thankful that i can see the stars.

of horns and halos

soooo i notice that there’s a rather large gap between the entries of today and previous entries. it’s something like, 5 days, which is a “large gap” because i think i’ve been writing almost multiple entries almost every day the days before that. i guess…that says something.
also, fell asleep on my bed trying to write this entry and woke with my laptop open on my chest and my glasses still on. sigh. now am going to try to finish, buuut i’m starting to drift off while sitting upright on the couch.

I think that when I mean to write an entry and instead end up staring blankly at the screen, it’s some kind of signal to myself. I’m not sure that I’m phrasing that correctly, but that observation occurs to me at the start of this entry.

For a few days now I’ve wanted to write about a particular topic, and now is more or less the only time in the last few days that suit the conditions I was looking for–it’s late but not too late, I’m not yet ready to sleep, and I’m writing in solitude. So the conditions for optimal blog-writing have been met–you’d think that it’d be easy for me to go ahead and type stuff out. But because thoughts and feelings aren’t easily being translated into words, I can tell that something’s a bit off.

I intended and still intend to write about a certain aspect of the last few weeks leading up to now. The general overview, I suppose, is that the first three, almost four weeks of school were good. Around week four, and leading into October, things took a sharp drop downhill for various reasons.

Words are coming a bit easier now, and the fact that I was able to start writing despite a slow start tells me that I do want to write and that I have something to “say” before I turn in for the night.

I want to write this entry so that come what may in the next days, I can look back at some point in the future, read this, and remember the moments.

I want to remember the first few weeks of school–moments of happiness, excitement, contentment and more, coming together in a really good start to the year.

And I want to remember, too, when things took their turn for the worse–moments of sorrow, confusion, disappointment, regret, and more, coming together for one of the longest weeks I’ve ever had to push through.

I want to remember the feel of emotions, familiar and unfamiliar, welcome and unwelcome. I want to write and remember, because I’m afraid that if I do not write this entry, I’ll look back at some point in the future and all I’ll remember are vague impressions where instead I wish there to be more definite memories…because all the moments of the last few weeks, as well as their associated lessons, are worth remembering in their entirety.

How to begin?  Hmm.


I don’t know if the feeling of gratitude should be mentioned earlier, or later. Gratitude, for moments of contentment that I hadn’t felt in years.

head on a shoulder. mock glares. shared drinks, food. happy music. planned expeditions. short walks. cared. sweet dreams. …shared moments.

fast-forward to early October:  jogging running around a track on a foggy night. full moon, cold and cloudy sky. speaking to inanimate objects. solitude. chilly wind. searching for answers. walking once friendly distances back home. restless nights. …lonely moments.

I think I would be okay if I could know for certain that this distance, the withdrawal, wasn’t caused by something I did. Don’t know if I’ll ever learn anything about the actual reason, and so…I need to just walk on. I need to walk on trying to improve, and hope that things might work out in a way I’d never see coming.

I’ll keep hoping for the best. I guess sometimes that’s all I can do.