soooo i notice that there’s a rather large gap between the entries of today and previous entries. it’s something like, 5 days, which is a “large gap” because i think i’ve been writing almost multiple entries almost every day the days before that. i guess…that says something.
also, fell asleep on my bed trying to write this entry and woke with my laptop open on my chest and my glasses still on. sigh. now am going to try to finish, buuut i’m starting to drift off while sitting upright on the couch.
I think that when I mean to write an entry and instead end up staring blankly at the screen, it’s some kind of signal to myself. I’m not sure that I’m phrasing that correctly, but that observation occurs to me at the start of this entry.
For a few days now I’ve wanted to write about a particular topic, and now is more or less the only time in the last few days that suit the conditions I was looking for–it’s late but not too late, I’m not yet ready to sleep, and I’m writing in solitude. So the conditions for optimal blog-writing have been met–you’d think that it’d be easy for me to go ahead and type stuff out. But because thoughts and feelings aren’t easily being translated into words, I can tell that something’s a bit off.
I intended and still intend to write about a certain aspect of the last few weeks leading up to now. The general overview, I suppose, is that the first three, almost four weeks of school were good. Around week four, and leading into October, things took a sharp drop downhill for various reasons.
Words are coming a bit easier now, and the fact that I was able to start writing despite a slow start tells me that I do want to write and that I have something to “say” before I turn in for the night.
I want to write this entry so that come what may in the next days, I can look back at some point in the future, read this, and remember the moments.
I want to remember the first few weeks of school–moments of happiness, excitement, contentment and more, coming together in a really good start to the year.
And I want to remember, too, when things took their turn for the worse–moments of sorrow, confusion, disappointment, regret, and more, coming together for one of the longest weeks I’ve ever had to push through.
I want to remember the feel of emotions, familiar and unfamiliar, welcome and unwelcome. I want to write and remember, because I’m afraid that if I do not write this entry, I’ll look back at some point in the future and all I’ll remember are vague impressions where instead I wish there to be more definite memories…because all the moments of the last few weeks, as well as their associated lessons, are worth remembering in their entirety.
How to begin? Hmm.
I don’t know if the feeling of gratitude should be mentioned earlier, or later. Gratitude, for moments of contentment that I hadn’t felt in years.
head on a shoulder. mock glares. shared drinks, food. happy music. planned expeditions. short walks. cared. sweet dreams. …shared moments.
fast-forward to early October: jogging running around a track on a foggy night. full moon, cold and cloudy sky. speaking to inanimate objects. solitude. chilly wind. searching for answers. walking once friendly distances back home. restless nights. …lonely moments.
I think I would be okay if I could know for certain that this distance, the withdrawal, wasn’t caused by something I did. Don’t know if I’ll ever learn anything about the actual reason, and so…I need to just walk on. I need to walk on trying to improve, and hope that things might work out in a way I’d never see coming.
I’ll keep hoping for the best. I guess sometimes that’s all I can do.