I really don’t like the feeling of loss, of something important suddenly gone missing. I dislike it as much as I can dislike anything.

These last few hours kinda showed me that something’s a bit off. The thing is, I’m not sure if I’m misreading cues. I only know that I don’t have all the info I’d like right now, not nearly enough enough to put my mind at ease. I don’t know if perhaps the exam didn’t go well, or if the headache was really bad, or if there was something else going on that I wasn’t aware of (well, obviously there’s some part of the picture that I’m not seeing). Or, if it was me–that I’d done something. I guess that’s the main part of it, that I’m not sure if there was something I did that caused my friend to be unresponsive.

A semi-random thought that occurs to me now has to do with the CCF meeting I checked out yesterday: it was when the guest speaker, Bill Paige, was talking. The point he was in the process of making was basically, that when we say, “I love you”, we hope for a reciprocal response–something meaning “I love you too”. Mr. Paige’s point had to do with the relationship between God and an individual, but it occurs to me now because I see a comparison that can be drawn. The comparison is pretty simple, only that when we show some care to others, I think we hope that it’ll also be reciprocated, and when we’re left hanging, that’s also a blow.

That’s what’s been bothering me these few hours. It’s annoying because this kind of feeling is so much harder to ward off or defend against compared to any stress about the future or about any exams. Perhaps that’s because I’m not familiar enough with this feeling…or perhaps it might just be due to this feeling impacting the “heart”. As I’m typing, I’m reminded strongly of a quote:

To truly take a risk, you must jump in not head first, but heart first. That is why love is a risk. Your heart is the first to feel the effects, and the last to recover from them.” -Amy Nutter

Sounds right to me. When one puts their heart into doing something, there’s always that risk that things might not work out as one hopes–but without putting all one’s heart into an effort, there’s almost no point.

It’s strange. I don’t know if, looking at the last few weeks, I’d expect to feel this way. But then again, looking at the last few weeks, I guess it does make a bit of sense.

Closeness. It was nice. Living in the moments made the last few weeks…nice.

I suppose, I hope, that soon I’ll find out what’s going on. Naturally, I hope things work out for the best. Til then, I hope I can wake up in the morning and face the day with a smile. Or at least without a frown.

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