“…You worry ’bout the wrong things, the wrong things.” –Paranoid, Kanye West

Today*, it seems, has been full of certain reminders that an end is drawing near.

While tabling at the “Health School Symposium” with another two RO(A)R members earlier tonight, I was again reminded of how unprepared I am, how much my life hasn’t been mapped out, how I have almost no idea of where I’m headed. That reminder of what we might call my “life ambiguity” came to me when I saw the bunches of students attending the event, looking to do networking or info-gathering or I don’t even know what. That reminder came to me again when I listened my fellow ROAR board members talking about med school this, med school that. There was one point when they mentioned the president of our club, who is currently also president of at least another two organizations, and balances the demands of those organizations plus those of schoolwork and med school applications amazingly well–a term used was “super-woman”, and I think I’d definitely agree, with no hint of envy. All I have for her is admiration and curiosity. I am very much curious about the very smart and motivated people that I know–I see them, and I wonder what keeps me from being one of their number. I assume it’s more the lack of motivation than anything.

An op-ed (I think?) article in today’s Targum was talking about idealism vs practicality in college, among other things. The writer spoke with a Rutgers alum, who offered his viewpoint on the issue, in three points that I don’t fully remember because I skimmed the article. Basically, though, one of the things the alum was saying was how it’s well and good to want to change the world in a positive way, but that earning money is almost a necessity in order to really make a change. One of the alum’s points was that we are all selfish, but that the selfishness he’s talking about isn’t a bad thing so much as it is a fact of life–the kind of “selfishness” where we would aid our family before others; a biological selfishness, as he might’ve said. I realize I’m not really getting across the point of the article very well–my bad–but I mention the article because it seems like one of its underlying messages is that I should focus on one area so that my future will be more secure, and then worry about other things after that.

The final notable event of the day that prompted me to write this entry was during Verse|one practice tonight. At one point there was a small commotion among some of the more experienced members when they realized that I’m a senior and also 21 (some of them didn’t think me to be older than a sophomore, haha). They came to that realization while discussing some things about Verse|one–apparently I’d been mentioned as “having potential” with regards to something like being a future captain–which I take as a compliment and am secretly very pleased about, since I’ve been working hard and am glad that it’s showing. I admit I’ve been having a lot of fun with Verse|one and wish in some ways that I could’ve been part of it sooner, or that I could have more time with it…but I guess that’s part of why this experience is all the more valuable to me now, because my time is so limited.

And that underscores the crux of this entry. The fact that my time is limited is only starting to register now, and I think I’m a little uncomfortable with the feeling (which is due more to my realization of my unpreparedness than to any other reason). What’s going to happen after college…that’s just it. I see and almost even feel the end of my college years drawing near as  haven’t felt in, well…ever, I guess. And I’m left here wondering…where exactly did the last two years of my life go? What will I have to show for these past four years?

One of the things I’ve learned over the last year or so is that I need reasons to prompt me to action. In a way, the fact that I’m sensing the passage of time is maybe a good thing, because it is something, at least, that’s prompting me to action. Of course, this is at times action that is too little, too late, but…I dunno. I’m still trying to make sense of it all.

I…am quite eager, I think, to live life, even despite the uncertainty of my future. This eagerness shows itself in some of the things I do, most frequently in the form of optimistic energy during dance practices, badminton, or almost anything, and is often mistaken for an optimistic/energetic personality (part of the truth being that I am enthusiastic for others to not downplay their own potentials, and try to inspire through example). I didn’t always have this enthusiasm to live–I think that the growth of said enthusiasm is one of the more important developments during my years in college –and it didn’t come easily, but I’m hoping that it’ll stay with me for the rest of my years, however many or few those might be.

I wonder…thinking about the kinds of things I need to be propelled into action. I hope that I’ll continue to feel the press of time in the back of my mind and use that as impetus whenever I’m languishing. There’ve been a few points in my life when I distinctly remember feeling like I wasn’t going anywhere, that things were all the same and I was just messing around wasting time. The first was during summer 2007, and I think the year or two after that might also have been the same. And I remember even more distinctly the kinds of things that brought me out of that insidious stupor–it was always people, I think. Wednesday last week, was when I was supposed to pick classes for Spring ’10 semester, and I wasn’t at all prepared with classes. But I mentioned it to a new friend, who determined that we should head to a computer lab straightaway so that I could do that schedule. Hahaha…motivation from the outside also helps too, especially when it’s good-intentioned. I guess that helps in more ways than one.

Haha…in these last three-plus years, there’ve been so many lessons, if nothing else, some of which I even remember. But the friends and people who’ve cared to help–those I will never forget.

As I draw closer and closer to the map’s edge, it’s more and more important that I be drawing out the unknown, or at least outlining it so I won’t be quite as unprepared. I hope that with an eye towards that proverbial edge, a bit of luck and a bit of help from some friends, I can look to the future not with a hint of trepidation, but with nothing less than full anticipation.

*11/17/2009. I fell asleep before I finished typing this, hence the delay in posting.

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