I can’t help but feel that things have gone wrong. Now, despite the fact that the previous sentence might be one of the biggest understatements I’ve ever written or spoken aloud, I still feel strangely calm. One might think I’d be agitated, annoyed or angry but right now I feel mostly numb. The other part, for any who want to know, is more or less a mix of disappointment, shame and disgust. It’s possible that I’m missing a few emotions here and there but I don’t really care.
Many parts of this situation bother me right now. For one, it’s Thanksgiving (if that’s supposed to mean something) and I imagine the prevailing opinion (among somewhat well-off Americans) is that this day should be one of thankfulness and a time for family to gather. One of the biggest problems right now is that I am a senior in college without a good plan. There’s more, such as how while sitting here in the dark I can hear muffled voices arguing; that I’m supposed to wake up in around five hours to take part in something Black Friday related; and more.
One of the issues at hand here is how I don’t think I’m going to graduate “in time”, a.k.a. this coming May. I am 12 credits short of graduating (or at least, if the next few months/next semester go well, I will be), and originally intended to just take 12 credits worth of classes this coming summer to remedy that situation. But this mildly thought-out plan didn’t go over so well with a parent. It now seems like I’m even more of a failure than they expected before, or at least, that one of their hidden fears is now slowly materializing. I didn’t expect so much dismay, because graduating a semester later did not seem unreasonable to me, but I guess I’m adding another line to my list of bad calls. What the reason behind such dismay is, exactly–a matter of pride, a matter of “face”–I don’t know, but I imagine I could’ve gotten the same reaction if I told her I just failed out of college. Seems like I keep dropping the ball on all these expectations…didn’t make top-notch colleges (for reasons that seem apparent to me), don’t have my future mapped out, and now probably not graduating on time? Haha…I just get the feeling this is all messed up almost to a comical degree. Just a few minutes earlier I realized that the word “awry” is a combination of “aw” with my initials. The irony or degree of coincidence is astounding.
I don’t know what is in the future. I feel that I haven’t been “normal” my entire life and why should things start working out now? Granted, my conception of “normal” is probably skewed, and to some degree I don’t know if I want the “normalcy” that’s been lacking, but…the comfort of familiarity is still attractive. I hear stories of people doing unconventional things and their lives working out fine, or at least, as well as can be inferred from the view of a page in some magazine. I don’t see myself in a conventional job, but then, I don’t see myself anywhere. It’s only been these last few months where I’ve been picking up more ideas of the things I like and don’t like. I don’t want to end up living in places like New Brunswick or Newark. I don’t want to be surrounded by close-minded people, ignorant people, people who hate because they fear because they don’t understand. I want to raise a family in a way I believe is right, and instill in children (mine or others) values of the sort I would be proud to uphold. I want a reason to live for something more than myself, something or someone to be dedicated to. I want to help fix problems one at a time. I want to help solve my friends’ problems. I want to be useful. I want to be loved. In that way, I think I’m like most people. But is what I’m going through a common situation?
I feel the pull of sleep as I consider what next to write. My great fear of the moment is that I will wake up and have lost the motivation to change and do something different–my plan is to head to the mall for just a bit and then head somewhere isolated to plan. So many times I’ve had motivation spurred on by strong emotion, usually anger, but as the anger faded so too did the motivation. In this case, I don’t believe I can afford to delay any longer.
I spoke of “things going wrong” earlier–and a failure to follow through has been one of them. When I bother to think about it, I think my list of failures grows. I had several points I wanted to make in this entry but as drowsiness envelops me, I forget them.
There is indeed so much I have to be thankful for. But that’s just about one of the few things I’m certain about. Everything else is up in the air.
I am tired. I’m going to sleep now and will continue to think later. Appreciating the moments.