A few days ago I saw a subscription, a post from an old friend of mine, an entry that struck some chords with me. So I thought I’d write some kind of short response-ish thing with some thoughts I had while and after reading that post, because…well. Figured it deserved a response, b/c it might do some good. Figured that at the very least, if I don’t write, who’d ever know? Better to try than keep wondering what if.
I don’t understand much of how I think or feel all too often. But reading your words–about mood swings, from super happy to super depressed because of one thing or another–they sound familiar in some ways. Even more than that, the depressed feeling, sad thoughts, feeling guilty for feeling bad…it’s weird that it sounds so familiar. Weird that as I read about the world not caring enough, about everyone feeling hurt but not doing anything about, about not being worth another person’s time or consider…it’s weird that I think, “was there, felt that.” am there, feel that.
“Is it that hard to simply love everyone, put others in front of you once in awhile?”
More and more, I get the feeling that some people…don’t seem able to do that, to put others in front of themselves even a little bit. Some people just go about doing their own thing, don’t notice the things others try to help them with, don’t appreciate the good things their friends do for them, possibly because that kind of consideration, that level of care, if you will, is something foreign, or at least not part of their lives. Some friends notice–and appreciate–when you, say, wash the plate you used at their home. Different friends might not even notice. Some roommates appreciate when they’re trying to sleep and you turn off your lights even though you’re still up. Other roommates don’t notice, and don’t return the consideration. Sometimes I get annoyed at my roommate for things he does that aren’t very “considerate”, but at the same time I’m mentally shaking my head I try reminding myself that it’s not like he’s purposely being inconsiderate…I think. It’s just that he and it seems a lot of other people just don’t see the world the same way. Not to give other people an excuse, but just something of the reasoning I see.
I think…there are still days when I’m just down, when despite the many blessings I have and try to remind myself of, I’m still depressed. If anything helps during those moments, I think it’s reminders that other people do care. Maybe not all friends, but just…some of them. Knowing that there are some people who understand you, or who at least care…little reminders of that help keep me warm on cold days.
I don’t know if “selfishness” is really important…I’m reminded by arguments that everyone is technically selfish, but that there’s good selfishness and bad selfishness, and that the term itself just has negative connotations. *shrug*
I agree with you in that I don’t believe the whole world is selfish (or at least, that there’s no one who cares about others beside themselves). We meet all sorts of characters in our lives, some whose weirdness is in some way compatible with ours who we grow to call friends, and others whose weirdness is a bit too much. In my own life I feel like I meet all too many of the latter kind, all too many wacky people who, while not always “bad” people, just…don’t hit it off right, people who I would just prefer not to be around.
But once in a while, I get lucky and meet people who see the world in some of the same ways, who understand things the way I do, people who do notice and appreciate. It doesn’t happen often, but I know it can happen, and it’s always a surprise. It’s always a pleasant surprise to meet just the right kind of “interesting” person, the kind who makes up for all the other wackos before her/him. In a way, I live for those moments, or at least look forwards to them, haha.
Needing help…I dunno. More people who care, maybe? But there’re definitely people who care about your well-being. I try never to forget the people who’ve cared b/c they’re the ones who’ve made the biggest differences in my life. That’s one of the few things I’ve learned about myself these past years.
I hope you don’t stop caring or believing that there’s good to be found out in the world–like you said, you just need to meet them. So I hope life gets happier! Meaning, I hope you have fewer “down” moments and more up moments. There’s so much hot chocolate to drink, so many naps to take, so many meteor showers to watch…so much life to be lived. We’ve only got one life, after all…or so I tell myself on my own gloomy days. But I think you might know that better than I anyway.
i remind myself every day to focus….appreciate…care. taking it all one step at a time to see where things go.