grr no breaks haha

so much to think about

some stuff i want to jot down

but somehow the gap between class and ROAR eboard meeting disappeared and i’ve gotta head out already.

grrrr mann. hopefully bbs.

wherever you go, go with all your heart

Time flies…on wings of lightning, so they say. I guess I believe it.

Back from CSO Semiformal, instead of heading to devin’s house for assorted games/partying. All in all it was pretty good, food was filling. Haha I like the dressed-up look for others & myself. In retrospect I’m kinda glad I let myself be convinced into attending, last-minute. I still don’t quite fit into this whole scene, I think, and that has to do…with a few things I guess, for better or worse. Still, I enjoyed the company of the people I knew.

I think I’m just unsure of what I want or where I want to fit in, and I wonder if sometimes I’d do things just because the alternative is to be doing nothing. I’ve got this strange feeling that I think has to do with…being close to something important and not knowing what I should do about it, and knowing that the answer is important. I think that’s a bit of what’s been making me a bit uneasy.

I don’t like being sick, or feeling lost. Kinda want to go for a jog, considering walking to Somerset on CAG. No more studying for now, at least not for tonight…going to resume that over the weekend, I guess. Sometimes I just don’t want to deal with the mess of emails and things that piles up.

We’re not done yet, but this semester and the last one have been good…maybe the best. Is it because it’s almost the last one for me? Partly, I suspect. But I think I’ve been really lucky to experience so many different things–by that mostly meaning lifestyles–during my stay at college, through the different friends I have. I see that people have fun in all sorts of ways, whether it’s in nights of boardgames or nights of beer games. Sport clubs, Greek-life, cultural organizations…gamers, dancers, and so much more. It’s all…people looking for a niche, gravitating towards the familiar or, in my case, mostly looking for something to focus my energy on. What if I’d been more involved with CSO or TASA, or known about the AACC earlier? Or what if…what if…hahaha. I think I’m a bit “late” to almost everything, in adjusting to high school, or college, or just doing things. By the time I get to know what I’m doing, I have to move on. And do I bite off more than I can chew? Perhaps. I want to do so much.

And really, I’m so glad for the good people I’ve met along the way. Different as they are in their interests, activities and aspirations, they’ve all taught me something; have all served as examples of the kind of person I could’ve been and the kind of person I might yet become. I appreciate the moments we’ve walked together, however long or short. I appreciate the lessons you’ve all taught me, explicitly or otherwise. I appreciate seeing you in your elements, working hard, playing hard, showing me how you live and helping me discover what living means, along the way. Most of you will never know it, but…thanks. Thanks. I’ve got a long way to go and there are paths I’m eager to explore. With a bit of luck and effort, there’ll be others keeping me company at different points along the way.

Hmm…throat feels better than before (the nap before RCDT practice probably helped), I hope tomorrow it won’t be any worse, seeing as V|1’s dancing at VSA’s ABC.

It’s almost 1am and…I’m really not sure what to do with myself. I don’t like being indecisive but I can forgive myself for sometimes just not wanting to do things alone.

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”  –Confucius

I chase moments–preserve them in pictures, make them at any time, enjoy them any time; I want to understand, I want to experience, I want to learn, I want to help, I want to teach, to laugh and dance and spend time connecting better with the interesting people in my life. I’m curious–how might I bring out a fire within?  Hahaha…that’s what friends are for, I guess.

I try to live.

blearghh busy fridays

back at apartment at 5:20 in morning. not so much tired as feeling sick, throat’s hurting.

midterm at 11:30. then work. then learning mongolian dance or something for RCDT. then cso semiformal. not sure what’s after that.

just hope that i don’t feel worse when i wake up from a nap…going to nap at living room table just to be safe.

study strangeness

just returned to the apartment about an hour ago at 7 and i’m kind of at a loss as to what to do. it’s so early and i need to get some sleep but…grr.

sleeping on bed is out of the question.

this should be an interesting day.

study hitches

mad delays in trying to get work done tonight…shifting from SERC to ARC to Richardson Community center, where the seven or so of us are finally able to get work done (those of us with work to do, anyway).

exam Friday, not yet prepared, and lots of other stuff to do…yeahh sounds about right.

hahaha gonna need more of the same–the studying, anyway–tomorrow, aka later today.

work study

i wonder what things would be like if i had a different, perhaps more engaging work study job. doing things with Imaging Services at Alexander library have been ok the last few years, supervisors are chill, on and off stuff to do, internet access, time to do homework, flexible work schedule…it’s a combination of those things that’ve kept me returning to it.

on certain days when i’m more tired, though, i wonder if i wouldn’t be more awake if i was at a more mentally engaging job or something.

mm it works.

shalalalalala float along

V|1 practice tonight, ended with surprise cake for one of our members; someone was suggesting we play “Kiss the Girl” from Little Mermaid and I had it on iPod and basically…worked out pretty well hahaha.

I should be sleeping soon but I’m listening to Disney music now haha, Disney’s such good stuff.

well. More busyness in the coming weeks. mmm let’s get to it haha.

quick similarities

one of the kinds of moments I find most interesting is in moments where I recognize similarities between myself and another, and in that recognition, an understanding of how she/he and I aren’t so different and that with a few differences in our lives, I too could be where he/she is.

more on this another night, after I sort a few things out so I’m not feeling mentally scattered.

cracked pots and blind kettles

they fall so easily. disturbing, and more so when i wonder if it’s appropriate.

I get more of an inkling, now, as to why it can be hard to forgive.  I keep hearing and reading that forgiving others is forgiving yourself, but…I don’t know.  I’m finding it hard to see the wrongs and rights; and seeing some of the wrongs and rights, I don’t know what I should help to fix. The rights and wrongs of my world aren’t the same as those of the ones I observe, and more often than not their wrongs are not wrong to them. It is indeed easier to see others’ shortcomings as compared to one’s own shortcomings, and I suppose the first challenge is to understand one’s own shortcomings and fix them, and keep improving; but then, what else? How far is one obligated to go to help others? What if these others persist in their ways even though their paths are harmful?

You know–…well, you usually don’t, I think, nor do you care enough to do anything real about it. So this is more for me than you I suppose. Regardless, here are a few thoughts:

I don’t fully understand why it’s necessary for you. Part of it is undoubtedly a legacy from your own problematic childhood; I do wonder when your demons first took root. I can forgive you, or at least find it easier to consider the idea of forgiveness, if I choose to believe that you truly mean well and that part if not all of your anger is really misdirected anger at yourself, stemming from your shame and frustration over your own inability and your reluctance to deal with the world. I believe you fear different things than I, and worse, that your fear had long ago gotten the better of you and now you wallow in place while life moves on around you. In that way you provide me with the greatest negative example–of the dangers of stagnation, ignorance, anger, close-mindedness, and hypocrisy, to say the least. I’m thankful that the lessons I learn from you are so important because they serve as the groundwork for some of my most basic convictions, but in the back of my heart I wish it didn’t have to be so. I am grateful–you believe not enough, which…I’m not sure what to think–for time invested, and lessons taught, I suppose, even though I disagreed and still disagree with your methods. But I suppose one can teach in a variety of ways, and perhaps without your example I would not be the kind of teacher I am. I wish it didn’t have to be the kind of teacher you weren’t.

I must wonder what you want out of me. Part of this answer might normally be something from yourself to show that I’ve learned, but you don’t particularly seem to care much about what I do. I believe you just expect success and that would be enough for you. Would success be enough for you to justify what you’ve let and continue to let happen to yourself? I personally doubt it and I wonder if you’ll ever realize that. Wondering when to hold or release my tongue is one of the tougher things I do.

You don’t understand how close I come sometimes to taking action of your sort and changing things, though ultimately there’d be no point I suppose. I think it kind of ridiculous that sometimes I just feel pity when you speak, because with every word you draw further from your professed cause. How much good must one do to make up for bad actions? Is this “atonement” possible? And does it matter?

Taking a moment away from this writing lets more processing occur, and I realize that your negativity served and serves as the kind of adversity I’ve needed to grow. I do believe that adversity in various forms is necessary for us to grow and strengthen, and in that light, I’ve been given more than just examples–I’ve also been fortunate enough to have to deal with adversity, and in that process is always growth. You’re not the only source of adversity, but I believe you may be one of the most demanding ones. I will integrate this and I will become better, for my sake if not for yours. In the end, I understand why you can’t forgive others, because you can’t forgive yourself.

And I think that’s ultimately one of the other lessons I must take away every time. Writing here and now satisfies and channels my thoughts and emotions, but I hardly think this is enough for next time. I will have to keep trying, doing, and improving, and when I can listen to you and not bat an eye, I will know that I am all that I can be and that your empty words and the misguided intentions behind them are no longer needed to push me forward.

I may never reach that point, but I will strive to avoid stagnation. As long as I can find something to improve about myself, as long as I can be dissatisfied with my own performance, I can keep moving (preferably forward) and keep living.

gotta hand it to you, life. you throw wicked curveballs. thanks, i guess, for the opportunities to improve, because i get stuck sometimes and these pushes help.

let me learn.