i feel like something is off again, but i can’t tell if it’s the same thing that i’ve felt a few times these past few months or if it’s something somewhat different. i feel like i don’t want to do anything, and i’m hard-pressed to make myself enjoy the things that i normally enjoy. internal conflict of some sort. and i have this other inclination towards being in quiet solitude to figure this out, even though another part of me wants nothing more than to be in the company of those who i feel comfortable around.

i wonder if this feeling has been something that in earlier years i’d never really noticed, instead misinterpreting its signals as some kind of boredom and distracting myself with games, fiction, badminton, etc. but the feeling stands out more than ever now and at this point i prefer to figure out whatever’s bothering me internally so that i can continue to move forward confidently and energetically.

i wonder if what i feel is the weight of some imagined or urgent necessity. perhaps the push to establish more of a firm direction in my life?


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