I always find it funny how life works out sometimes. In the latest example, after work today I went to KRU to get in a run and some light training. During class, I was asked to help out a newer student–and who should it be but an old acquaintance, a friend I was first introduced to in high school and who I had seen maybe 3 times in the past 5 years. The other place I might have gone to tonight was to Rutgers, to watch RCDT’s Showcase. While I wish I could have went to see and support their show, I had trouble bringing myself to go–part of the reason was monetary, part was some sense of guilt and urgency over missing training due to injury.
But this chance encounter–if you believe in chance–started up the familiar blizzard of thoughts that have occupied my off-work hours lately.
I don’t remember where I read this–likely in one of several helpful books that have rather enriched my life in the past few years–but the idea that comes to mind, paraphrased due to my less-than-photographic memory, is: “we all want to be happy. But we should remember the difference between wanting to be happy by ourselves, versus wanting to be happier than someone else.” My take-away from that was to remember not to use others’ lives as a basis when considering my own.
I realize that sometimes I find it hard to separate my own desires from the desires of my closer friends. I feel like I take on the attitudes of some friends because sometimes I don’t have an attitude defined. “Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything”, hmm? And yeah. Why does it feel rather difficult to think about what I stand for?
I’ve been seeing a particular value in recent solitude, which is that I am able to clear my head of momentary or day-to-day concerns, and actually think, ruminate, plan. In my opinion, one of the greatest obstacles that have arisen in my life so far is that of a lack of direction. That is a dragon I have yet to defeat (or tame, or befriend, if you’re the sort who prefers not to slay mythical creates). But has it been for lack of trying? Kind of. But I’m so tired of not having direction. I’m tired of not living with purpose beyond surviving the day. I’m quite grateful for all I’m fortunate to have–but my disappointment with myself lies in failing to fully apply myself.
Having a focus has allowed me to do good work: reviving Rutgers’ Badminton Club; generating new focus for Verse|One Dance Troupe; and I imagine that the best things in my life were made possible through application of focus.
A question in my life has been that of discovering my passions. Another question is that of finding motivation. Is the answer to those questions linked?
I always think that I still have so much growing and maturing to do. I will stop taking on other people’s passions as my own. I will stop taking other people’s opinions as my own. I will appreciate other people’s ambitions, but I must find my own.
What’s my call to action this time? At the end of this mishmash of thoughts, which I’m glad to have put down despite its disorganization, what have I learned or what decision(s) have I come to? Well, I need to remember that this is the time. There’s no better symbolic year that I could ask for in which to get my life together. By the end of this year, I want to look back and feel proud, finally, that through my actions I have made it a year to remember, for reasons that I value. My plan right now is to better understand myself: what do I want to get out of life, and then what steps do I need to take to get me there?
Notes to self: laugh more. Learn better. Love. And don’t forget to keep pushing for more–more understanding, more clarity, more tolerance, more passion. There’s no time like now.
Thanks to the simple word processor JDarkRoom, which allowed me to tune out all distractions and just write.