I have been failing again. I am tired of disappointing others, disappointing myself, and allowing myself to disappoint myself, until some kind of threshold gets crossed that forces me into action. Tired of alternating between great and sub-standard work. I see a recurring and insidious cycle of procrastination/self-sabotage that has kept me from reaching my achievable possible. This is the weakness I’ve sensed in myself when I think of why I do not leave my job; I’ve seen that the problem is not in the job, but in me. And so I will improve myself while at this place until I have done great things that I and others can truly be proud of. Only then will I feel worthy to work anywhere.

So it’s past time for something to happen. I’m ashamed that I had to wait until once again, someone else had to bring up an area where I was dropping the ball. But I’m thankful; thankful for his candor, and thankful that here again is a reminder from the universe that I have been ignoring its Calls to action.

I’ve been reading, though I doubt I’ll find meaning and fulfillment in words. What I want out of life, I suspect, is out in the world, where there’s no undo button, where you can’t pause the action by inserting a bookmark. And that’s fine, great, excellent, perfect; out in the world is just where I want to operate. I thought I was making headway, but I see now that whatever I’ve been doing, it’s too little, and that I’ve still been neglecting a part of me that desperately needed attention—as if my life could be free of problems if I was not.

I will no longer be the problem; I will learn to be the solution. I will no longer back away from issues I do not know how to handle; I will lean into fear and learn by doing. I will not let my fear of the unknown cloud and impede my ability to err and grow.

Growth is the imperative.

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